What Could Have Been
by JazziePerson
Summary: Song'verse: Story 1. Based on the song Almost Lover by A Fine Frenzy. Nikki's perspective on what might've happened if Harry had decided to leave. Please review.


Author's Note: So, here's the Silent Witness story that I promised ages ago but then I got tied up. I have a chemistry exam on Wednesday so reviews would really help me at the moment. This is one of two stories in what I'm calling the 'Song'verse' and the second one I'll put up tomorrow or Tuesday. The song in this one is 'Almost Lover' by A Fine Frenzy. It's one of my favourite songs and it just inspired me. Please review, it would really help my focus. Thanks.

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What Could Have Been

Your fingertips across my skin

The palm trees swaying in the wind

Images

Nikki stood up from her desk slowly, holding an armful of papers. She kicked her chair out of the way and began making her way towards the double doors. She was almost there, fumbling her key card out of her pocket when Harry entered in front of her. He stopped abruptly, only just avoiding a collision and steadying herself, she took a step back. His fingers on her arm were cold, he'd evidently just come in from outside. He smiled tightly at her and then moved his hand to the door, holding it open for Nikki to pass through. She returned the smile with a quick, almost unnoticeable one and then dashed out of the door.

That's how it was with them now. Ever since Harry'd announced that he was leaving to work in America, the pair had been strained, unable to talk to each other in the same way as they had before. The teasing and banter suddenly sounded harsh, hurtful and so it had tailed off into nothing, into silence. And that hurt more than the suddenly spiky jokes, if that was possible.

And that's how they were too. As soon as one of them entered, the other left. Sometimes they even started to switch before they'd realised the other was too. It was just so strained, too strained for them to work properly, the way they had before. And Leo had noticed too. He didn't send them out to crime scenes together anymore. He went with one or the other of them, however much he hated their separation. But they couldn't get the job done if they were together.

You sang me Spanish lullabies

The sweetest sadness in your eyes

Clever trick

Nikki scowled to herself as she walked along the corridor. For a while, for a god damn while, she'd thought to herself that Harry cared about her. She'd thought that he cared for her, maybe even liked her. _Like_ liked her. God, she sounded like a smitten teenager. She shook her head in disgust. How could she have been so stupid? She berated herself as she walked into another lab and placed the papers down on the desk.

She felt for stupid for thinking that he liked her, that she meant more to him than just a colleague. But now, Harry was leaving. Leaving the country! She wasn't going to crawl around the science room, crying 'please don't leave me', she wasn't that pathetic but she was... she didn't know how she felt. She was angry at Harry for keeping it a secret so long, for assuming that she was going to collapse pathetically when he told her and that she had thought that Harry liked her. She was miserable because he was going and overall she was confused. She didn't know what to do anymore. Damn you, Harry, she thought.

And I never want to see you unhappy

I thought you'd want the same for me

Goodbye my almost lover

Goodbye my hopeless dream

That day was Harry's last day in work. He'd only come in to sort some things out before he left later that evening. He'd already been over to the States a few times. He had started renting a flat and all his things had been shipped out. For the last couple of weeks, he'd been sleeping on a mattress on the floor of his flat which had been sold. He'd packed his last few things earlier that morning.

Had things been the same, Nikki would have offered him her couch to sleep on but they weren't. They couldn't even work together so there was no chance that they'd be able to live together, it would be hell. Nikki didn't think she could cope with her home being as stressed as her work.

And today she'd have to say goodbye. She'd have to say goodbye to the person that she'd spent so much time with, shared so many things with. And then they'd get a new pathologist for her to work with. The tension would be gone, that would be something but it wouldn't be the same as it had been with Harry.

I'm trying not to think about you

Can't you just let me be?

Nikki didn't want to think about Harry. She wished he'd just gone as soon as he'd told her. That way, the whole thing wouldn't have to be so drawn out. They could've left with a reasonably amicable relationship. But no. It hadn't happened like that. She just wanted Harry to leave her alone, so she could move on and forget about all this pain, like she had done with other parts of her life.

Reluctantly, Nikki left the second lab and walked slowly back to the one she usually inhabited. When she passed through the double doors, she realised that Harry was still in the lab and that Leo was in his office. She walked over to her desk, not Harry's desk but her own and sat down. Her fingers played absently with a pencil as she thought.

She realised suddenly that Harry had been the one to order her back to her own desk all that time ago. He'd called all the rubbish on her desk 'foul detritus'; she'd cleaned it up after that, as she'd been banished from using his desk.

Argh, she huffed. She wanted to _stop_ thinking about Harry and she was just making it worse. Maybe Leo would give one of them a case so they didn't have to sit opposite each other all day.

So long my luckless romance

My back is turned on you

Should've know you'd bring me heart ache

Almost lovers always do

"Harry?" Leo called from his office.

Harry got up and walked into the office, leaving Nikki alone again. She sighed and put her head in her hands. She was going mad. She couldn't keep doing this. It was killing her.

At that moment, Harry left Leo's office and stalked out of the lab. Leo walked over to Nikki and sat down in Harry's desk chair. Nikki looked up at him but didn't say anything. He had that look again.

"Are you okay?" Leo asked, his head dipping as he met Nikki's eyes.

She shrugged. She didn't know what to say.

"I thought so." He smiled. He got up slowly and put a hand on Nikki's shoulder. He didn't have any words to say, nothing that would comfort her so he just squeezed her shoulder gently and turned away.

Nikki tried to smile at him but she couldn't manage it.

We walked along a crowded street

You took my hand and danced with me

Images

Nikki could remember times when they'd been happy, happy and silly. They'd thrown stuff at each other, gone out for dinner, to the pub and they'd insulted each other in the nicest way possible. Now they had none of that. Now it was just sadness and strain.

"Leo?" Nikki suddenly got up and almost ran in Leo's office.

"Yes?" Leo looked as if he'd been completing paperwork but Nikki got the feeling that in actuality, he'd been waiting for her to realise what she had been going to say all along.

"Does he really want to go?" her own question surprised her.

Leo cocked his head to one side. "What makes you ask that?"

"He just doesn't seem very happy." Nikki felt a stab of pain in her chest as she thought about him again. She couldn't decide whether she hated him at the moment or whether she was pleased for him and the opportunity. God, she felt so screwed up.

And when you left you kissed my lips

You told me you would never let me forget these images

No, no, no

"He's not. And neither are you." Leo looked at her pointedly as if he was daring her to deny him. She wouldn't though; it was the truth after all.

"No." Nikki shook her head. She wrapped her arms around herself and left Leo's office. The lab was empty but she still moved quietly, as if trying not to be seen.

When she got to the locker room, she sat down on the floor, her back against the lockers and let the tears flow. Tears streamed down her face, everything overwhelming her. Anger, fear, misery, pain and complete confusion washed over her cheeks as she rested her head on her arms. She was so, so tired of all the feelings inside her head. She wasn't even sure what was going on in her head anymore. Winding her fingers together, her knuckles went white as she let everything out. She wanted everything to go back to normal. She wanted Harry to stay; she wanted the pair of them to back to the way they were before.

Well I never want to you unhappy

I thought you'd want the same for me

Nikki sniffed hard and wiped her cheeks with the palms of her hands. She closed her eyes, taking a deep breath, calming herself. She had to pull herself together. She had to get back in control.

She was just wiping her face again when the double doors opened. She didn't look up, she didn't particularly care who saw her at the moment.

"Nikki?"

Her head whipped up. It was Harry. Shit, she thought. She sniffed again, wiped her face again and tried to smile.

"Uh, hey." Well, that was more than they had said to each other in a while.

"Are you alright?" Harry asked gently, as he closed the door behind him and moved towards her.

Nikki nodded, although she was positive that it was the most unconvincing nod Harry had ever seen. She sniffed again and cursed inside her head.

Harry knelt down beside her, so far being careful not to touch her. "I don't believe you."

Goodbye my almost lover

Goodbye my hopeless dream

I'm trying not to think about you

Can't you just let me be?

"I didn't think you did." Nikki shot him a watery smile. How they were suddenly talking again, she didn't know. It was weird, a bit like a dream. It was something she'd wanted for so long and now it was suddenly happening.

"So, what's up?" Harry shifted from his position so that he was leaning against the lockers next to her.

"Am I pathetic?" Nikki blurted out, more tears gathering in her eyes.

"What?" Harry asked, confused. Then he realised what she was referring to. "No, of course not."

Nikki nodded, looking at her hands and knees again as she composed herself.

"You didn't answer my question, Nikki." Harry prompted gently. He didn't want to push her. That was the last thing he wanted to do.

"It doesn't matter. Really, it doesn't." Nikki tried to deflect the question once again but Harry was having none of it.

"Nikki, please. Please tell me."

Nikki stared at him. He was watching her with great concern, his hair flopping in his eyes. He was curled up beside her and his arm was stretched out, like he wanted to touch her, to make her feel better but didn't dare.

"I don't want you to go." She finally choked out, trying desperately to get in control of her tears. She felt so pathetic, despite Harry's words, that she was crying in front of Harry and she was crying because he was going. Argh, she wanted to scream but she had a feeling that that would only make her look worse. It might make her feel better though.

So long my luckless romance

My back is turned on you

Should've known you'd bring me heartache

Almost lovers always do

"I thought so." Harry whispered and slowly, he moved his arm over her shoulder and hugged her close.

"I'm sorry," Nikki mumbled into his shoulder as she tried not to cry.

"What for?"

She just shook her head, not quite sure what to say.

They were quiet for a few moments, content with just sitting together. Harry absently played with a strand of her hair, obviously thinking deeply.

"I don't want you to _go_." Nikki repeated, clinging to his sleeve. God, she thought, when did she get so dependant and needy?

"I know, Nikki." He sighed heavily. He closed his eyes and leant his head back against the lockers, feeling the cool metal against his scalp. What was he doing? What was he going to do? He needed to think. He needed to get out of the lab for a few hours, even if it was his last day.

Nikki was surprised and a little bit hurt when Harry disentangled himself. She remained sitting as he stood up but her eyes followed him and he discreetly stretched out, stiff. Staring up at him, she saw him rub his hands across his eyes and then turn to her.

"I need to think." He said, frowning. "I'll see you later."

"You promise?" she realised that she sounded like a teenager. She just didn't want him to leave before saying goodbye.

Harry smiled. "I promise."

I cannot go to the ocean

I cannot drive the streets at night

I cannot wake up in the morning

Without you on my mind

Later, a long while later, Nikki was back at her flat, alone. She was tired after the day and now it was dark. And she still hadn't heard from Harry. She felt ill, and restless. As soon as she sat down, she was up again and pacing, and when she got tired, she sat down again. She didn't know what to do with herself.

Now that it was nearly time for Harry to go, to fly to the States, she wasn't sure what she felt. She still felt angry and hurt, but most of all, an aching sense of loss was radiating through her chest and up her throat. What she really wanted was a hug, just for someone to care about her for a little while. She didn't want to be all on her own.

She cursed silently. Damn Harry Cunningham. Ever since he'd announced that he was leaving, all she could think about was him. How she was going to miss him, how angry at him she was and how much he meant to her. Everything held a memory of him. As he'd rightly said, they pretty much didn't have lives outside the lab. They were practically all they had. They'd gone through a lot together, spent a lot of time together and shared their lives. Harry'd left an imprint on almost everything. He'd commented on how messy her desk was, they'd joked around the lab and he'd told those stupid jokes that he thought were rather fine. They'd spent a lot of time together, that's the way it was.

She sat down again, running her hands through her hair. She felt so agitated, so helpless to help herself. She didn't know what to do.

Just as she was about to get up to begin pacing again, she heard the doorbell ring. She leapt up out of her seat towards the door. She yanked it open and there stood Harry.

So you're gone and I'm haunted

And I bet you are just fine

Did I make it that easy to walk right in and out of my life?

"I promised." He said simply and she stepped back, allowing him in. He pushed the door shut and then pulled her into a hug, exactly the one she needed.

"Thanks," she whispered.

Nikki looked at Harry carefully when he pulled back. His eyes seemed tired but he seemed to radiate warmth. God, she was feeling pathetic. Now she felt like she was stopping him from making his life better, like she making him lose out on a good opportunity. Oh crap, she could feel the tears starting.

"What are you crying for?" Harry asked.

Nikki sniffed and shook her head. She couldn't get it into words. What was wrong with her? What was it about her that made relationships fall apart? What was it about her that made people feel able to walk in and out of her life without a second thought? By this point, tears were streaming down her face.

"Shh, Nikki," Harry whispered into her hair, "It's okay. It's all gonna be okay."

"How?"

Goodbye my almost lover

Goodbye my hopeless dream

I'm trying not to think about you

Can't you just let me be?

So long my luckless romance

My back is turned on you

Should've know you'd bring me heartache

Almost lovers always do

"It will be." Harry enforced.

"But you're going." Nikki pointed out, pulling away and wiping her face.

"But not forever." Harry smiled. "I've decided. I can't leave forever. I'll be back. Soon."

"Please don't tell me you've known this for ages and that I was being a complete idiot." Nikki hid her face behind her hair.

"No, I only decided this afternoon. So, don't worry." Harry grinned weakly and hugged her again. "I guess I was as unhappy about it as you were."

"I'm glad I wasn't going mad."

"I'm pretty sure that point is debatable." Harry teased.

Nikki shook her head and sniffed again, wiping away the last of the tears.

"Are you okay?" Harry asked again, all humour gone.

"No, but I will be." Nikki looked Harry in the eye and smiled.


End file.
